That's Jokes
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This isn't really a joke because the two gentlemen involved definitely seemed for real. As I was walking to the subway this AM (6am), I heard one gentleman say to another "I hope you are ready to lick my fat ass this morning!" Made me laugh/ vomit on the spot.
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an ex workmate just sent me this one…sooo true
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just
off Deans Gate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the
sign reads:Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework…'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
Husband Store.PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street with the same rules.The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Haha, that one is great Lando!
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An Irishman wanted to sell his car.
A friend told him he would get a better price if he turned the odometer back to reduce the clocked mileage.
Sometime later the friend asked how it was going, the Irishman said that as the car now had such a low mileage he had decided to keep it.
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Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian…)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
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The old man is sitting on his porch when he sees this kid walking by, hands full of hot dogs.
"Hey, kid, where you going?", asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some dogs", answered the kid. Good luck with that, thought the old man and chuckled for himself, but sure enough, a while later, the kid comes back followed by a pack of dogs.The next day, the old man is sitting on his his porch when the kid walks by carrying a load of duct tape.
"Hey kid, what you doing?", asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some ducks", said the kid. This kid is nuts, thought the old man, but to his amazement the kid walks by a while later, a string of ducks at his tail.The following day, the old man spots the kid with his arms full of pussywillow.
"Hey kid, wait for me". -
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Just read…
Toy Yoda? I'd be pissed too lol
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That's why radio stations have lawyers- to tell the DJs when their ideas are terrible and potentially expensive.
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.'
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Brilliant and stolen for Facebook.
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WHAT IF MEN MADE THE RULES FOR RELATIONSHIPS???
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
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If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
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If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
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Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
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Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
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Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived
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You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
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Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
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Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
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When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary
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