That's Jokes
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A thread for jokes and comedy. Lets keep this focused on text jokes/comedy, since a thread for videos/music/etc. already exists and I know people, myself included, would be tempted to get away with videos.
I don't particularly have a problem with the more filthy or otherwise inappropriate jokes, but curb your mind if you feel the urge to post some obviouisly bigoted shit and take it to another forum.
And now:
**A proctologist, after just getting off a long day her practice remembers that she's got to make it to the bank to make a deposit before it closes. She drives to the bank walks in and upon seeing nobody in line, makes her way to the first available teller.
She says, 'I need to make a deposit'.
The teller replies, 'Sure. Just fill out this deposit slip and I'll take care of that for you'.
The proctologist reaches for her pocket and pulls out a thermometer and begins to write with it before she realizes what it is. 'Shit', she exclaims.
The teller asks, 'What's the matter?'
The proctologist responds, 'Dammit. It's nothing. Some assshole just has my pen'.**
Keep it clean. Let's get it on.
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what did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
make me one with everything.
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No problem, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw … you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?”
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what do you do when you see a spaceman?
park, man.
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted "where you off to Charlie"
He said "I'm going to change a light bulb"
I laughed my head off and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?
"Not really" he said "I've still got the receipt, you spiteful b******. -
how do you wake up lady gaga?
poker face.
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yeah you and me both…
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Piece of string goes into a bar, orders a beer and the barman says "Sorry, but read the notice - we don't serve string here. I need to ask you to leave" The string protests, but the barman just points to the door.
Next day the piece of string thinks "I'll get served this time" - and puts on a pair of dark glasses and heads back into the bar.
Straight away the barman says "You can't fool me, you're that piece of string I threw out yesterday - so GO!"
The string is now really mad at not getting served so he goes outside, throws away the glasses, loops himself into a loop, ruffles his top end and goes straight back into the bar and orders a beer.
The barman says "Do you think I'm crazy? You're that piece of string that had the dark glasses aren't you?" and the string says "No, I'm afraid not . . ."
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hahahahah a frayed knot!
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Thought this would be ideal for this time of year
